And All Through The House….

by Jimmy Jacob on Monday, January 16th, 2012 - 8475 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fpersonalsfacts.com%2F2012%2F01%2F16%2Fand-all-through-the-house%2FAnd+All+Through+The+House....2012-01-16+16%3A55%3A52Jimmy+Jacobhttp%3A%2F%2Fpersonalsfacts.com%2F%3Fp%3D847 - Confessions, Dating, Relationships, Sabrina

Besides a few run-ins with crazy ex girlfriends, horrible dates with women I met on personals ad and drunken hobos on the Toronto subway, I have led a fairly peaceful life.  I’ve never physically fought over a girl. I’ve never started a fight while at a club…Hell, now that I think of it, I have never started a fight…ever. Growing up I was always taught from my father (Papa C) that if you could walk away from a fight first–do it.  For nearly three decades I have taken that advice and because I can smart talk my way out of nearly everything,  I have avoided plenty of physical confrontations.

I always thought this was an attribute of myself that I should be proud of…..until one night last week.

After watching the god awful The Devil Inside (or what I like to call the horror movie with no ending) while on a date with Sabrina, we then headed back to my place for a sleepover.

While enjoying a great dream involving actress Paula Patton, lingerie and honey, I was startled when Sabrina woke me up.  I looked at her and she looked as if she had seen a ghost.

I asked her what was wrong and then she responded with, “Did you hear that?”

I didn’t hear anything but then I jokingly told her it was probably a serial killer or something and to go back to sleep.  She hit me over the head and told me I wasn’t funny.  I then shut her up by cuddling with her.

CRASH! BANG! BOOM!

Minutes later, I heard the noise I had thought Sabrina had imagined (she is a drama queen after all) and I couldn’t ignore it.  Seeing the look of fear on her face gave me fear–because I knew at that moment that she would expect me to investigate my apartment and the thought of that scared me sh*tless.

Besides a few grubby basement apartments, I have always lived in nice areas in Toronto.  The area I currently live in (High Park Village) is a pretty safe community and I have never really dealt with potential break-ins before…especially in my apartment complex.

However, now I was forced to act like the dominant man Sabrina has always imagined I was…when really I am a smart-talking p*ssy who has always thought the pen was mightier than the sword. (Should have invested some time with some boxing classes instead of focusing on writing free dating advice columns.)

Sabrina kept tugging on my arm and saying she was scared. (a.k.a. get off your ass and investigate the strange noise already.)

So I jumped out of my bed and put on my sweats, stuffed a couple of things I would need in the pockets and grabbed a bat under my bed.  I told Sabrina to stay in bed and to keep the phone handy.  There was a look of fear and a yet strange look of arousement on her face.  I just tried to look like I wasn’t going to crap myself.

So, when I quietly opened the door, I started thinking of one of Eddie Murphy’s great stand up skits where he was talking about how to look crazy without getting into a fight.  So I thought of my ex-girlfriend’s crazy eyes and tried to imitate them.  Check.

I then went one step further and took off my sweats. Attacking someone butt ass naked would startle anybody.  I was confident with this plan until I thought of a vandal with a butcher knife around my pecker and then I quickly put them back on.

I then heard something coming from the kitchen.

I then took out a bottle of lubricant I had in my pocket and quietly squirted it right outside the entrance of the kitchen.  (Trust me, there was a reason for this.)  A brave man would have snuck into the kitchen and startled the invader by attacking him.  I am no such man.

So I then started saying, “I called the police! Get out right now!”

I was then hoping for who ever was in there to run out of the kitchen and slip on the lubricant.  (You see, it wasn’t such a bad plan after all.)

The noises stopped.

I then knew at that time that I had to man up.  I had to protect my girlfriend from potential harm.  If anything happened to her, I wouldn’t know what I would do.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

The noises started up again and by the point I was ready.  I clenched my bat, took a deep breath, turned on the lights and jumped in front of the kitchen entrance.

It where there I saw a rat going through an open bag of potato chips.

You would think this would be relieving news…however considering I have major suriphobia, I let out a scream so high, I’m surprised dogs weren’t barking.  I then ran out and subsequently slipped on the lubricant on the floor.

After I came to, I saw Sabrina looking at me and laughing.  She said she gathered up the potato chips (with the rat inside) and threw it down the garbage chute.

“My hero!” she had said while chuckling away.

Although I feel completely emasculated, I’m happy that I had my own hero at home with me.

So word to wise, if you don’t want to end up looking like a giant jackass like yours truly, never watch a scary movie before going to bed and never use lubricant as a weapon.