How To Deal With The PMS Beast
by Jimmy Jacob on Tuesday, March 6th, 2012 - 7 Comments - Confessions, Sex
One, Two–Aunt Flo is coming for you.
I laid in my bed still in the darkness. Hoping it didn’t sense I was awake. I could hear the rustling in the other room.
Three, Four–You Can’t Turn Off Jersey Shore.
It was angry and it made groaning noises that foreshadowed an impending sense of doom. I knew at that moment, it was here. It was a reality that I couldn’t escape no longer. I had to deal with my unfortunate fate.
Five, Six–Stay Away From The Cervix.
I heard the footsteps getting closer to my bedroom. I winced and a part of me wanted to raise the covers over my head. That was when the door creaked open and that was when I saw it.
Seven, eight-Better Avoid Your Soulmate.
There it stood with wild hair, vengeful eyes and a pack of frozen chicken cutlets on its stomach. It opened its mouth and said, “Why the hell do you never have any ADVIL? You know, maybe if you didn’t drink like the functional alcoholic you are, you wouldn’t need to pop so many Advil for your hangovers and you could leave some for your girlfriend who is actually in a lot of f*cking pain, prick!”
Nine, Ten–PMS is here again.
My name is Jimmy and I suffer from dating a PMS sufferer. I had suffered from this Beast years ago in between my man-whoring days, however I thought I had finally escaped this atrocity years ago. But now just like Sidney Prescott in the famous Scream franchise–the beast continued to follow me and lots of blood has been shed since.
I provide a lot of sex facts and dating tips but I think the most helpful relationship advice I can provide to the fellas is how to deal with your lady when the PMS beast is consuming her.
I can’t promise the following tips will help you escape the hell you will go through for 5 to 7 days, but I can guarantee that they will make it a little easier.
Mark The Day Down!
Trust me, you want to be prepared for when “Ms. Hyde” will come out of your girlfriend. By keeping note of the day of her period or more importantly marking the day that is a week before her period, you can stock on things you need to survive the monthly attack and it would good to get all the sex you can get out of her–because for 10-12 days, you’re going to have to deal with dates with PALM-ela or HAND-gela.
Avoid Saying Those Seven Little Words
There are seven words you should never utter to a woman when she is PMSing because guaranteed, they will push her over the edge. Those words are “Is it that time of the month?” Rule one of PMS CLUB: You Do not talk about PMS club. You’ve been warned.
Don’t Try To Sleep With Her
Trying to sleep with your PMS-ridden girlfriend is like trying to mess with a sleeping bear. It’s not pretty. Just embrace the fact that you won’t be getting any for a short while. Also, if you ask your girlfriend for oral sex while she’s cramping out, then my prayers are with you.
Feed The PMS Beast!
If you want to keep her happy, you should always be stocked up with goodies. Carbs may not be her friends for the rest of the month, but trust me–they are bosom buddies when she has the PMS beast within. Feed her pasta smeared in goat cheese and fresh french bread. Also, always have dark chocolate on you. My go to chocolate bar is Toblerone dark chocolate. Trust me, it will keep her busy for a while.
Keep Her Away From Commercial Television
Make sure your girlfriend is staying away from cable television. I’m not kidding about this. Get her favourite show on DVD if you have to. Why do I suggest this? Well, wait until you see her mood erratically change as soon as she sees a commercial with dogs in cages or starving kids in Ethiopia with Sarah Maclachlan playing the background if you don’t. Again, this is not pretty.
Draw Her A Hot Bath
When you’re really stepping on eggshells, surprise her with a hot drawn bath. Candles, bath oils and bubble bath is also suggested.
Bite Your Tongue When She Yells At You For Drawing A Hot Bath
It didn’t work, did it? That’s because women do not like any sort of surprises during their PMS period. If she responds with something like, “Do you THINK I want to sit in a bath right now?” Don’t respond with, “Take some goddamn Midol, holy f*ck!” Instead, compose yourself and apologize. She will see how nice the gesture was a few days later. In the meantime, don’t let that bath go to waste. Get away from the madness for a while.
Knock Her Out with Medicine
Okay, this one I’m not so proud of, but damn it, sometimes you need to do bad things to maintain your sanity. The fact that I grew up with two sisters, I know that Midol and Advil don’t do sh*t in regards to PMS. Instead, I would suggest you fellas stock up on a little something called Menstrual Tylenol. Not only will this knock her cramps out, it will make her quite drowsy. If she’s still miserable and mean in her drowsy state, hit her with the coup de grace–but offering her “hot lemonade.” Your hot lemonade should be half a packet of extra-strength Neo-Citran. Guaranteed in twenty minutes, her cramps will be gone and she will be knocked out!
Don’t judge me.
Take One For The Team
Sometimes your girlfriend’s PMS symptoms don’t go away until after her period is done. (Poor bastards!) And sometimes during that time, your gal may feel frisky and she doesn’t care about having “crime scene sex” with you. Although the idea of having sex with your girl on her period is furthest thing on your mind right now, give her what she wants. You can do it! Just don’t look down.
And those are my rules on how to survive your girlfriend’s PMS! Do you have any more to suggest? Let me know in the comment section below?
My husband deals with my PMS by pretending it isn't happening! I am wondering if my PMS doesn't run 28 days of the month as I can never watch a commercial for starving kids or homeless dogs without bawling. I have to change channels!
Those commercials would make me feel bad if I wasn't so broke.
I just get mad they are so long.
I'm sending this post to a few ex boyfriends. They had it easy with me. PMS actually makes me nicer and more affectionate.
I am weird I know
You know what, I can see that. Yeah…I actually see that.
Thanks for writing this!
Another way to deal with it is for women to proactively address balancing the cycle. The syndrome of extreme mood swings and physical dysfunctions is NOT normal female health, but girls are raised to think so, and our lifestyles often make us have terrible cycles and lots of self-medication. The two typical pharmaceuticals used are either pain relievers or hormonal birth control pills to alleviate symptoms. Lots of pain relievers are hard on the liver, and the pill basically stops real menses and eliminates the detoxification Aunt Flo thing that is such a fantastic benefit for longterm female health.
Sure, there is a hormonal shift that happens 7-10 days before natural menses, but it is more like a 24 hour thing of a psychological re-boot. Surprisingly, Eckhart Tolle (in The Power of Now) writes about how natural rebalancing of the cycle and female awareness of what he calls "the pain body" at the premenstrual time is the most powerful spiritual practice. I agree with him. Many shamanic midwives and eastern medicine healers teach this too.
Most women don't even know that it's possible to have a conducive, balanced, and even pleasurable menses. The premenstrual shift & natural period remind us that we are complex and capable of gestating a whole new human.
Real women are not on-call for sex 24/7, and real men are not slaves to compulsive sex (native warriors, martial arts masters, and yogis have always focused on mastering their energy into potent action or a real woman, rather than masturbating their essence away…) – but who would know it, considering the media culture we live in.
lol, Even though my brothers are on some BS and try to pretend they know when that special time comes around, my life is usually no different around that time. I actually have to remind myself that my visitor is there. A lot of girlfriends hate me, but oh well. *does jig*
My heart goes out to all the women and men who fall victim to all the stuff it can cause.
Omg, this post had me howling with laughter, and I'm going through pms right now. Steller writing. I'm sharing with everybody!