7th Day To A Better You: Why Women Should Resist Seeking Closure From Breakups

by on Monday, April 16th, 2012 - 13 Comments - Break Ups, Confessions, Deal Breakers

seeking_closure_breakupToday, I was reading the latest 25 Days To A Better You Challenge for the day and it was  quite challenge to think about.  In his latest video, he acknowledged the fact that when we resist addressing certain problems in our lives (such as our relationships, career and health issues) that the problems will always persist.

Now considering the fact that I run a personal dating blog, I couldn’t help but think about what people SHOULD resist.  When it comes to women in particular, there is one thing I notice and it’s that when they try to address their breakups by solving it with “closure.”

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You fall head over heels for a guy.  You had issues with him continuously and felt like he had one foot out of the door. One day he eventually dropped the bomb and broke up with you.  You talk endlessly to your girlfriends about the break up and they told you how you’re better off.  However, you tell them that you can’t move on from him without the closure you are desperately seeking.

 I can’t tell how you counter-productive this is to move on from a man that did you wrong.

Since I started working for Personal Facts, I have received many emails about this very subject.  I have female readers ask me how they can get the closure they seek from their failed relationships and every time I receive these nauseating emails, all I can do is sigh and stare at a blank screen struggling not to write a reply that will offend those who poured their hearts out to me.

The truth of the matter is that there are many reasons why women should never seek closure once a relationship ends and it’s about time these reasons were addressed:

 Remind Yourself What The Definition of The Word ‘Closure’ Really Is

 When you look up the definition of the word ‘closure’ in the dictionary, you will see it is defined as “a bringing to an end” and “a feeling of finality.” Call me crazy, but isn’t that essentially what a break up is? Break ups bring relationships to an end and just because you don’t think you sense a feeling of finality, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.  In my books, ‘closure’ is synonymous with breakup, because if it weren’t, the definition would be “a feeling of finality only if both parties are on the same page.” Remember, it takes two to keep a relationship alive and only one to officially end it.

 Men Know What Closure Really Means To Women

 Playing the “closure card” is something women tend to do more often than men.  Let me tell you right now, that when you call, text, tweet or send a recent ex a Facebook message asking to meet up for closure—they know that you are plotting to get back together.  It’s a lie a lot of women tell themselves simply to make up an excuse to see their ex one more time.  As a man, I’ve been in this boat more times than I would like to admit.  I went to meet up with jaded exes for “coffee” after they practically begged me to.  I winced when looking at their spray tans, manicures and new outfits and only felt extreme pity knowing they spent their whole days trying to look stunning at a coffee shop and watching them twirl their clip in hair extensions while recalling the past only verified why I broke up with them in the first place.  When women seek closure, they’re actually avoiding it. It’s also very unbecoming because it sometimes it shows you have no pride in yourself.  If you did, why would you beg to see an ex who did you wrong?

It Only Opens The Door To More Pain

 Okay, so let’s say your ex was not a bad guy.  He met up with you for coffee and you were strong enough to keep the conversation casual and at the end of it, he felt relieved that you don’t hate him.  He says good-bye and walks away.  Can you honestly tell me that you feel better after you get your so-called “closure?”  Do you feel like you can finally move on with your life and leave the coffee shop whistling Katrina and The Waves’ I’m Walking On Sunshine? NO! Hell no! You feel even worse than you did before.  Your heart was probably aching from sitting there across the table missing him the entire time and now you’re wondering why he seems so happy and relieved when you’re dying inside.  Like opening up a freshly formed scab, closure only opens the door to more pain.

 The Closure You Seek Lies Within You

 If you’re really seeking closure, then your exes feelings, emotions (or lack there of) and reasons for the breakup simply don’t matter because that is not closure but rather that’s communication that will not help you move on.  Deal with your own emotions, feelings and realize that the relationship is done.  Once you can accept that your breakup is a reality then you can say you have the closure you need to move on—plain and simple.

I hope this article helped some of you readers out there, but more importantly I hope that it helps women realize that the idea of closure only brings on more pain and emotionally irrational thoughts.  REALIZE your self-worth, IDENTIFY why the relationship is over and don’t RESIST moving on with your life. 


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13 Responses to “7th Day To A Better You: Why Women Should Resist Seeking Closure From Breakups”

  1. Stacia says:

    LOVE this. Please let me do a follow up, woman’s version of getting closure. :)


  2. Stacia says:

    This doesn’t even need anything else! Everything you’ve mentioned is so very true. I sought closure of a relationship after it ending and I wish I had enough strength to just leave it go and move on. The “closure” that I sought came back as a one week reconciliation that just got worse. Closure definitely comes from within. When someone actively takes stock of you and decides not to have you in their life….good riddens. Find your girls, and get over it. There’s someone out there just waiting to have you in their life.

    • Jimmy Jacob says:

      I really should have touched on the subject how some men use the idea of "closure" to their advantage. I'm sorry that happened to you Stacia! But you a strong woman and I know that you won't go through that again. There is someone out there for you and when you meet him, it will be well worth the pain you went through with dickheads beforehand.

  3. Java waitress says:

    You’re right. However that won’t stop women from seeking closure because you just have no idea what these break-ups are like for women. We don’t have compartments in our heart&brain like you guys do where we can stick the ex, lock the door&throw away the key. I wish we did. A woman’s feelings are intertwined in her whole heart & brain for most women. It takes time to heal and closure might be annoying to guys but to women it can be a piece of the many steps she needs to slowly get the relationship out of her system. Then once she finally heals and is feeling top of the world (which can take years to be honest) usually the man comes trapsing back and can’t believe she got over him and isn’t waiting for him with open arms….not like I’m speaking from experience(I am) LOL

    • Jimmy Jacob says:

      Very true!

      I was one of those guys coming in and out of my girl's life. However, I was also someone who experienced the "closure" bug. Not all of us guys stick the ex in a compartment, lock the door and throw away the key. I know I'm not like that. In fact, I will write a blog this week and reveal to you how we react after break ups. :)

      Thanks for the comment and thanks for the inspiration!

      • Java waitress says:

        Really? I’ve been lied to by all the articles & books that claim men have these brain compartments? That’s good to know and looking forward to your article on break-ups :)

  4. jwoodny says:

    Seeking a closure is playing with fire. I think some women are just sadists and they have to know "why wasn't I the one", even though subsconciously they know why already. There's never a good way to explain why you're closing the door, so it's best to just slam it and walk away. i don't know why but this post reminds me of the RL/Deborah Cox song "we cant be friends"

    • Jimmy Jacob says:

      "Seeking closure is like playing with fire." That is my new favorite quote man! Thanks for the comment and I totally agree!

  5. Starita34 says:

    I agree with your statement “men know what closure really means to women” but for a different reason. I think some men refuse to offer closure because once closure is granted, many women will then be too through with you. By leaving things ambiguous, leaving questions-he’s leaving hope and hope leads to random hookups and girlfriend favors from girls with no girlfriend title.

    You’re probably right, closure probably shouldn’t be so important to us…and you’ve outlined some good reasons. Now tell it to my heart… :-(

    • Jimmy Jacob says:

      I'm sorry that you're going through a lot right now Starita. :(

      But I'm going to tell you something. No one can make you hope for something other than yourself. When men leave things ambiguous, it's not because they have a burning desire to be with you, but rather it is because they are too chicken shit to hurt you yet again and then there are some that just want to sleep with you.

      What women seek is DIALOGUE when they think they are seeking CLOSURE. When you knock on the devil's door, he will answer you. Once you take responsibility for the fact that you are contributing to an unhealthy relationship and once you realize that this person is no good for you, that's CLOSURE. That's when you can move on.

      Please feel free to comment here whenever you want! I will always keep it real!

  6. hmmm… interesting. I don't waste my time anymore with guys that don't see what they've lost. I got stuck in that mode once or twice, but learned pretty damn fast it is a waste of my very valuable, precious, priceless energy…. when i think back to the two guys I can even recall trying to make it work when clearly they were cutting the ties… they are both still losers, and both still single. Go figure. I use to actually ask for "closure" so that I could be the bigger person and cue them into their STUPIDITY and HORRIBLE behavior… like I was saving the next girl from being treated this way… but no. Both of those guys actually MUST have thought I was trying to get back together, because when we were there talking, and I was pretty solid on the breakup – THEY sucked me back in… and it was STILL bad. tsk tsk. never try to make something good come from being treated bad. PERIOD.

  7. [...] initially covered the rationale of why women should stop seeking closure quite poignantly here and referenced the movie, Young Adult, starring 1 of my favorite Afrikaan Americans, Charlize [...]

  8. Irene says:

    Fuck, you're good.

    And I swear, I'm reading all your posts at once and will probably get fired by the end of the day.

    I think men are simply just scared to provide closure once they're the ones running for the hills. Especially if they pull a total disappearing act and/or behave in the coldest, most inhumane and coward-like ways. I sought closure ONCE (yes, at a coffee shop; no, I didn't make the slightest effort to woo/impress him/look my best) just because he literally dropped off the face of the earth. I walked up and just said, "glad you're not dead, dick. have a nice life." I could tell he was shaking in his little space boots… It was quite comical (maybe not so much at the time for me, but afterwards)

    I'm waaaaay to proud to seek any more closure. So fuck yes to this post, I will drink to that!

    Oh, fav (obnoxious) part:

    "I went to meet up with jaded exes for “coffee” after they practically begged me to. I winced when looking at their spray tans, manicures and new outfits and only felt extreme pity knowing they spent their whole days trying to look stunning at a coffee shop and watching them twirl their clip in hair extensions while recalling the past only verified why I broke up with them in the first place."

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