Are Women Too Scared To Be The Dumpers?
by Jimmy Jacob on Monday, May 28th, 2012 - 8 Comments - Break Ups, Confessions
Since I started writing for this personal dating blog, I have read many other dating blogs from excellent female writers. I always advise my buddies that if they ever really wanted to know what women want or what women are thinking to check out a couple of blogs written by women and they would have a good idea.
One of the things I have realized is that you ladies give us men a lot of power when it comes to relationships but more importantly, breakups.
I don’t mean to generalize all women because I know there are women that have no problem dumping men, but I have recognized a disturbing if not slightly humorous pattern while reading a lot of blogs from the female perspective.
A lot of women will bitch about their significant others, point out the obvious red flags and then when their boyfriends eventually do dump them, they act like they were blind sided and take on the role of the “victim.”
They will also make their exes look like bad guys by saying how easy it was to cast them aside instead of admitting that maybe they actually were doing them a favor by breaking up.
Let me tell you right now that dumping someone is NOT easy. It’s stressful as f*ck and I think a lot of women know this because if not, they would be more inclined to “pull the trigger” so to speak.
However, there are some other key factors why I personally think why some women are too scared to be the dumpers:
1. Too Scared To Be Alone
This one is a given. I know a lot of women who have stayed in a bad relationship because they were too scared to be single, to sleep in a double bed alone and to be in a cuddle-free environment. It’s ironic considering how bad relationships make you feel more alone than being single.
2. Too Scared Of Changing Their Facebook Statuses To Single
This one is so superficial but it’s amazing how our Facebook relationship statuses have dictated our decisions in our personal love lives. No woman likes seeing that broken heart show up on their friends’ newsfeeds for all to see. To avoid this, just remove your relationship status altogether so you don’t get any pity comments on your wall.
3. Too Concerned Comparing Their Own Relationships To Others
Although women don’t like to admit it, a lot of them are always competing with their friends in regards to their love lives. (Click HERE for more details) They will compete over how many Facebook couple photos they have, who will co-habitate first and how many romantic vacation spots to go to. I knew this girl who was visibly miserable in her relationship and she got engaged. When I asked her why she said yes, she told me, “Because that’s what is expected of me at this point.” Sad, but very true.
4. Too Scared He Will Find The Love You Didn’t Have With Someone Else
A lot of women treat break ups like a “rat race” to new and blissful relationships. And although a lot of women have no trouble moving on to new men, the thought that their ex will be able to move on with someone who they are truly happy with makes them sick to their stomachs. Even if they are not in love with their exes anymore, they don’t want to picture them with someone else before they have found the man of their dreams.
5. They’re Waiting For Another Prospect
I find that the only time a woman has no problem dumping their boyfriends is when there is another guy (usually an ex) waiting in the wings. Like working at a job they hate, a lot of women will not quit until a better prospect is secured.
Although, the number one reason why I think women are too scared to be the dumpers is that many women try to make a bad thing work. When it comes to relationships, women are hoarders whereas men tend to throw away good relationships that COULD work.
Life is way too short ladies to stay in a bad relationship and I truly think no lady will be able to find the happiness they have been seeking in their lives without being the dumper at least ONCE in their lifetimes. Being the dumper sucks but it is also very liberating. It means you won’t settle for less and that is worth being single for a while.
If you’re in a bad relationship, then get out now. Don’t wait for the guy to do it for you because you might wait for a long time and eventually you will realize you are not just wasting time, but you are wasting your life.
Need pointers? Check out my ‘Claim Your Breakup’ post!
I'll admit to HATING being the dumper; however, since my marriage ended (I was the one who pulled the plug on that too) it's been on me every time. I recognize my own dating pattern: meet a man. Fall head over heel in infatuation with said man. Get more involved than I should despite clear "nothing serious boundaries". (I am always very very very crystal clear: no labels, no commitments, let's just enjoy the time we spend together, don't ask for more than I'm able to give, etc etc etc, but for some reason I get caught up in the initial puppy love anyway.) My feelings level out after three months or so, the man's don't. He falls in damn love. After month four (it's ALWAYS month four), I realize I can't stand him anymore, and eventually break things off, but not before dragging it out way longer than I should.
I've tried not being so… ardent at the beginning, but that's just my personality: I'm cheerful, happy, cuddly, I enjoy cooking for a man, and doing nice little things for him, and having movie night, and other just generally COUPLY stuff. I can't just turn all that off and start acting like a player or a user! But men misinterpret me (despite the very clear talks I have with them at the beginning) and then one day, without me even realizing it, I wake up and I'm someone's girlfriend and he's asking me how long it'll be before I'll consider moving in with him. Then I have to be all whoa whoa whoa. And guys don't react well to whoa whoa whoa. So, it's a work in progress.
I think the main reason I'm so bad at this is because I was with my ex husband for nine years, from the age of 21. I've never "dated" before in the adult sense. This is all brand new territory for me.
Well Smudge, even though you seem to get trapped in pseudo quasi relationships, I gotta tell you, 4 months ain't that bad in the grand scheme of things. You're strong enough to get out and that says a lot about you.
Since you can handle being the dumper, you're that much closer to that special somebody who will know how to handle you–and I mean that as a compliment!
Thanks for the kind words!
Great article, as always, Jimmy but I seriously have to wonder about your sources. Either that I'm a way more of an extreme bitch than I ever believed.
In my experience (40 yrs old, 2 marriages, dating since um…..well, way too young), it's the exact opposite. In 75% of my relationships, I was the dumper. This is true even of relationships in which we both knew full well we were BOTH miserable. Often, after the initial shock and hurt wore off, the guy was relieved and thanked me for having had the balls to do what he hadn't been able to, as in the case of my first husband.
My theory is that men are terrified of being the bad guy. Of making waves. Of dealing with the ensuing emotional fall-out. That we'll get mad. And scream. And cry. And like….ovulate or something. And (especially perhaps? you tell me) of the risk of sending a woman into Psychotic Ex Mode — that fearsome state I hear of, in which we women might step dangerously over the edge into some vengeful attack mode, resulting in spray painted cars, endless weepy texts and other stuff we women apparently "do" (according to most guys anyway).
Those few men who dumped me did so in extremely typical ways: they simple never, ever called again, literally disappearing over the horizon (in the case of "dating" type relationships) or (in the case of more serious relationships) in the heat of a furious fight, when finally pushed to admit something was up their butts that needed addressing.
Only once did I have a guy calmly, regretfully, but openly, honestly, and maturely dump me because we simply were not meant to be. And I was able to talk his ass out of it lol. His reason: he couldn't love me and didn't see ever being able to, despite how much he LIKED me and enjoyed seeing me. My response: "um, ok…..you don't HAVE to love me nor do I expect it. But I really like you too, so wtf? Get over here and get nekkid." This is the one ex I have remained friends with EVER. Coincidence? Hell if I know.
Of those men I've dumped, no matter the circumstances, most wanted to remain friends. In one case, the only way I could have further demonstrated my loathing for the SOB was to threaten his equally-repulsive family and the stupid bastard STILL wanted to be friends, nay, FWB, no less!! This, after three years of him declining sex. Together, I couldn't have paid the bugger to do me. Split up, he suggested Friends With Benefits???
Further demonstrating my theory that men are terrified of being the Bad Guy Who Broke Her Heart. Never mind whether or not there's any basic for actual friendship LEFT in the relationship, so long as "for the love of hell, she has no cause to dislike me for any reason, whatsoever."
To address a few of your other points (and I can only speak for myself, as always):
What's a facebook? Oh yeah, I think Catholics call it "the devil."
If I no longer love or even LIKE the guy enough to continue seeing him, why would I care who he cares for next?
"Too scared to be alone" is a given?? Where? Why?? Lol, sorry but DUDE!
"Too concerned with comparing their relationships with others" — again, huh? Oh, yeah that social programming shizit. Sorry, can't relate. I own a bunch of porn sites and I'm polyamorus. Could be I'm just not aligned with enough "average" women to be susceptible to it. However, I was born an "average" person, come from an "average" background, and aside from the more overtly strange things about my life, it's actually pretty darn "average."
Still a fun article though:)
WOw Mina! Very detailed comment! Was not prepared for this one.
You're absolutely right. Men are terrified of being the bad guys when it comes to breakups and sometimes the fear of a psychotic ex is valid. I've had psycho exes and just like a bad binge on tequila, it's something you NEVER forget. So blaming men for that fear is sometimes not fair.
I also might add darling that you are not in the same league as other women—you live a very unique lifestyle and that sets you apart from the crowd. If more women thought more like you, there would be no need to dissect breakups and relationships.
I have to disagree with you a bit on this one and you know I adore your posts.
Women may have more trouble doing the breaking up (in general, not all women have difficulty with this) but I don’t know if I agree with all your reasons why. Women are know for being the more nurturing, empathetic sex (again, exceptions to this and believe me I’ve met them, but I’m taking sweeping generalities here). I think women can usually imagine or anticipate the emotional and psychic pain a break up inevitably causes and do their best to protect not only themselves, but their boyfriends/husbands/partners from this – even at their own emotional expense.
It’s also been my experience that men are the ones who swing from relationship to relationship and generally can’t handle being alone for too long. Often they have a woman on the side lines, whether an office flirtation or the barista who smiles flirtatiously at him when he gets his morning coffee. Men may not experience the same societally imposed fear that women do (being a spinster is not sexy, whereas being a bachelor is) but that doesn’t mean they can manage any better on their own. My ex-husband was involved in another relationship within two months of our separation and to my knowledge they’re still together. This is not something I need to confirm which brings me to my next point…I’m not interested in comparing my relationship life with anyone else’s, particularly my ex. I don’t care if he’s feeling mad, crazy love for the new girl because it won’t allow him to out run the karmic wrath I am certain he earned.
And finally the Facebook status thing – I don’t know about others, but I will be forever grateful to Facebook for allowing me to notify my more remote friends and acquaintances about my divorce by simply removing my relationship status and deleting all photos of me and my ex. It took a few months but people eventually figured it out – there’s nothing worse than getting an out-of-the-blue email from a university roommate asking how you and your (now ex-)husband are doing.
While I disagree with your reasons, I do appreciate and agree with your parting words: life is short, rip off that bandaid and get out of that bad relationship now.
I do agree, we are afraid for many reasons … for me, sometimes it's "am I making a mistake"? But everyone has a breaking point and that's when women just do it … well most do. It took me a while to break off my marriage but I don't regret it for one second!
I'm not sure that those are the top reasons but they can be reasons. Women tend to fall in love with the potential of a man and genuinely think that things are going to change and get better. They will stick their head in the sand and ignore all they can and wait out the storm. They will vent about the bad but deep down they want the relationship to thrive. I agree though that too many women put up with a bad relationship MUCH longer than necessary because they don't want to be alone. This is ridiculous and something I've done only once (I'm a fast learner). In that situation I did in fact wait for other interest before leaving…what can I say, I was THAT woman. Anyway, I was young and I learned since then that single is not a bad thing…in f act it can be a wonderful thing.
Yes, Yes, YES!!! As a woman who represents all women {ok, not really}, I verify the accuracy of the is post! You nailed it! Bra-freakin'-vo!