Five Lies Men Tell To Spare Your Feelings
by Jimmy Jacob on Thursday, August 2nd, 2012 - 2 Comments - Confessions
Earlier this week, my girlfriend officially moved into my apartment and I have found myself lying to her like a motherfucka. The lies started out small at first:
“Yes sweetie, you’re right. Having a fridge full of Coors Light Iced Tea is in no way emasculating.”
To medium-sized ones:
” I don’t mind listening to Lana Del Ray at all. She’s not the vapid, talentless c*nt I thought she was. It’s a good change for all the soul music I listen to. Yes, I should open myself to other genres. “
And to huge whoppers:
” I AM so happy to see you everyday and share my bed with you every night and your drooling and cover hogging is still as cute as ever and does not in any way make me want to jump off the balcony and end it all right now.”
All jokes aside, moving in together has been a huge transition, but it also has been a rewarding one so far despite some mild complaints. Although, the lies I have been telling reminded me of a few lies that a lot of men say when it comes to sparing a female’s feelings. At this point , most women know the most common ones:
“She’s just a friend.”
“I’m too tired, you wore me out.”
“I’ll be home soon and not all plastered.”
However, there are a few that really make me laugh to this day and I avoid saying them altogether because of how utterly transparent they are.
1. “You’re The Marrying Kind, Not The Dating Kind.”
This is pretty much a fancier way of saying “you’re too good for me.” What men really mean by this is that ‘you’re really nice, but you don’t do it for me in regards to your personality, your looks and your lack of effort in the sack.’ It’s really a stupid saying if you think of it. If we really dig you, the dating kind will turn into the marrying kind—well unless you’re Tom Cruise of course.
2. “I’m Not Going To Compare You To My Ex. It’s Like Apples and Oranges.”
Ladies, note any time a guy says “apples and oranges,” it means that you are not the hotter one. Also, if you don’t want to get your feelings hurt, don’t ask stupid ass questions like ‘was your ex prettier than me?’ in the first place.
3. “He’s Not Right For You.”
Never trust a member of the opposite sex, whether it be an ex-boyfriend or a guy friend when it comes to your current relationship. No guy who is into you is going to approve your relationship. You could be dating Superman for all we care, we’ll still say he ain’t shit just so we can get our egos or dicks stroked. Sad, but true.
4. “I Don’t Mind If You Have Guy Friends.”
The fine print should read, “as long as they’re gay, nerdy and siblings.”
5. “You Are The Best I’ve Ever Had.”
If you are a loving, level-headed woman we are committed to then chances are you are NOT the best we ever had in the sack. The women we have the best sex with are usually unhinged, raving lunatics who were once our friends with benefits. It’s not that sex with you is not fulfilling in anyway, it’s just that psycho girls with daddy issues really are the best unfortunately—if they weren’t, we would never have had any psycho exes in the first place.
Have anymore lies you want to add to the list? Let me know in the comment section below!
"Don't take it personal, my mom/sister/female best friend hates everybody" <— is a personal favorite
"Babe, this is best (insert random dish that you've only heard of because it's her specialty) I've ever had"
But this "The women we have the best sex with are usually unhinged, raving lunatics who were once our friends with benefits." is the gospel according to Jimmy! It's some weird phenomenon that batshit crazy = incredibly passionate/insatiable. So unfair.
I swear I am crushing on you so hard for your honesty and hilarious delivery. Another great one!!