Today is a special day here because it marks the first MALE guest blogger on Personal Facts. (FINALLY! )  Today we welcome the life-wise and street-wise, J Wood from THAT 365 LIFE and what I dig about J is his passion for life and relationships and he has always stood up for me when other female readers just didn’t get where I was coming from. 

Now be warned ladies, if you thought I was brutally honest, wait until you read what J has to say.  All I can say man, is that you are a brave, brave soul. -Jimmy

One of my favorite rom-coms of the last few years is Hitch. I watch it with about the same frequency as women watch BBW, The Bachelor, and all those mainstream reality shows. Aside from Will Smith being one of the most multi-faceted actors in Hollywood, he executed the role of date-doctor Alex Hitchens with such precision. The irony of a love doctor being too flustered to follow his own advice is a mirror to conversations that happen every single day; especially among women. Women are professionals at telling their home-girls what they need to do or what they shouldn’t tolerate from “ol boy”. Yet their dating life is like a bootleg; not much quality, but it’s enough.

I thought this video was an interesting spin on what women want and how it changes as they mature. Granted it was for more comedy purposes. But honestly, after watching it a few times and talking to some women I know with variables, I’m positive that women plateau at about the age of 27 or 28. What they want becomes reflective of the lifestyle they already have or are very close to obtaining. Sounds obvious right? Nope! That’s where these contradictions come in:

1. “Personality Means More Than Looks.”

This is the biggest lie we all tell, right next to “it wasn’t me”! For women though, a good-looking guy can get away with a hell of a lot more than an ugly dude. A 10 with a 4 personality will get far more chances than a 4 with a 10 personality.  Women gravitate towards looks more than they do a personality, just as we do. They’ll dispute this to their death. So the litmus test is to play a game of “marry, f*ck, kill” and pay attention to the celebrity guys they’d “marry”. I’m willing to bet my Entourage DVD collection that the guys they’d “marry” have a well-documented shady history with women.

“I’m independent, a guy is a plus not a must.”

Support is support, whether it’s emotional, mental, or financial. Everybody needs a cheerleader. You show me a person that says they don’t need a cheerleader and I’ll show you someone who hasn’t accomplished much. Some women are too independent for their own good, so they associate being dependent on a man with being told what to do. But how’s this for irony – women read blogs daily to tell them how to get a man, keep him, and please him, don’t they? In fact, most of the recognizable relationship/dating blogs are managed by men they’ll never meet, let alone date. Surprise, surprise, that’s a form of being dependent. Subliminally.

“I want a guy that’s drama-free. I hate drama.”

Any relationship without a level of drama or conflict is stale. My parents were together 34 years, before my pops passed. Week after week, my mother would ask my dad to water the grass. It’s a chore that would literally take 5 minutes of his time. And every week he’d find an excuse not to do it. So they’d have words back and forth. It’s not the type of drama that warrants a visit on Maury. But it’s drama nonetheless. And here’s a novel idea that some women overlook; they create the drama that they supposedly despise. No wonder your last few boyfriends have been “crazy as hell”. Don’t taunt a dog and then be shocked when he reacts.

“Don’t buy me stuff, all I need is your time.”

There’s a quote that goes something like “the guy with no money has a lot of time, but the guy with a lot of money has no time”. If you want a man who’ll provide financial security, you have to make the sacrifice of not seeing him very often. People throw salt on Diddy’s philandering ways, but he’s not married for a reason. He’s off making money to provide for the 7011 kids he has. Now I know you might be thinking; “well if he makes times for his kids, he can make time for a wife.” Not exactly. Kids require a different type of time and attention. For example, every year, Diddy takes his kids to NBA All-Star. Would a wife have fun doing that year after year? Probably not. Plus Diddy has Cassie, so…..

To dispel all the contradictions that women have in telling us what they want would take more white space than I’m willing to give. Some contradictions are ethnic or age specific. However, as a whole, these are the 4 that I’ve consistently heard from unmarried women transcending all lines. Everybody has their list of must-haves and nice-to-haves. But aside from those preferences, you have to be realistic. Finesse ends the video by saying you need to have a blueprint so you know what you’re looking for in a guy. But I disagree! The only way to make our jobs as men a little easier is to not have a list at all and take every guy on his own merit.*

* Having a job, being attracted to him, and not involved in any weird shit are the minimums that should be met.

Do you agree with J or do you think he needs to learn another life lesson?   Either way, let him know in the comment section below what you feel! Be sure to visit his blog and to follow him on Twitter HERE.

Bro, I will defend you as much as I can.

While I was hacking away and praying for God to take me out, Sabrina was happier than I have ever seen her.  She was bringing me Neo-citran, tissues boxes , homemade soup and screeners of movies she had to review this week.

While being forced to drink garlic and ginger tea, I looked over at her and she was all smiles.

“You’re loving this, aren’t you?” I said in between coughs.

“I can’t say otherwise.” she said with a smirk.  ”This is a milestone and it falls on the same day as another milestone for us.”

Oh crap.

I knew this was my cue to prove to her I knew what she was talking about.  However my vacant stare gave myself away.

“You don’t remember, do you?” she asked.

“Umm…is it New Year’s Eve already? Have I been in a Neo-Citran induced coma for that long?” I joked.

She didn’t find it funny—not in the slightest.

“No.” she replied angrily.

“Oh, I got it! It’s two months from the day you first farted in front of me!” I said.

“NO! It’s not!” she shouted.

I then looked through my blog posts and nodded my head.

“Well, actually it is. ” I said.

She then sighed and said, “We met for the first time six years ago today.”

“Oh.” I blushed.

“Yeah, Oh is right. I feel so stupid.” she said as she got up to leave.

“Sabrina, I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s just that our relationship over the past six years has mattered far more to me than it has to you. I’m leaving. Enjoy the soup and I hope this fight inspires you to write another blog.”

“Well, at least I remembered a milestone!” I said as she slammed the door.

While sitting there coughing on my own phlegm, I started to think about anniversaries and what should be considered as one. For men, we’re basically trained to not forget the day you make your relationship official, however women tend to constitute many things as anniversaries such as the first time you kissed, watched a sunset and said the L word.

Is it really fair to get mad at your boyfriend for not remembering the dates of these “anniversaries” and for forgetting to acknowledge said anniversaries with gifts?

If so, then maybe I should be a little upset for her not acknowledging the first time I let her eat the last chicken wing on my plate and not providing me a pound of wings as a gift for it.

Does that sound stupid?  I think so.

So for the majority of the weekend, I spent it thinking about how I can correct this situation.  Two days was the longest I hadn’t spoken  to Sabrina so I knew I had to act fast.

Last morning, I knocked on her door.  She answered it and was not amused.

“What?” she said.

“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t remember the specific date I met you.  Maybe it’s because that day wasn’t a day I considered special.  At that time, you were just my buddy’s friend and I was just the douche guy my buddy talked about behind my back to you to make himself look good.” I replied.

“I didn’t think you were a douche.” she said defensively.

“Yes, you did. As I recall, you said, ‘Anyone who uses dating personals to f*ck a girl is a huge douche.”

“Oh yeah, I did!” she said.

“Right and that is why I don’t consider that to be anniversary we should share. However, I don’t want you thinking that our relationship is not special to me.  You see, women are better with dates and men are better with locations. So grab your coat and I will take you on a tour of all the places I share a milestone with you.”

Intrigued yet skeptical, Sabrina grabbed her coat and let me take her around the city.

I first took her to one of my local hangouts, Mackenzie’s Pub in Bloor West Village. We shared two Guinesses at a booth.

“What is so significant about this place? We meet here all the time.” she said.

“Yes, but six months after we met, we were hanging out here while you were visiting from Montreal and you excused yourself to go to the bathroom.  This was the very booth we sat at when I first checked out your ass when you left for john.”

She stared at me blankly. Clearly, I was going to have to try harder.

I then took her to Rainbow Cinema down by the Esplanade.

“Why are we at this cheap ass theatre?” she quipped.

“Remember when we saw The Wicker Man remake before we started dating in September 2006 here and laughed our asses off?” I asked.

“Oh right, our first movie!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, but while sitting there beside you in this theatre, it was the first time I had pictured putting whipped cream all over your naked body.”

She then sighed.  Again, I was obviously going to have to try harder.

I then took her to a huge Tim Horton’s way downtown.  She looked puzzled.

“So what is the significance over Timmy’s? You had a sexual daydream about me while ordering a double double?” she said sarcastically.

“No.” I laughed.  ”This used to be a ghetto fitness centre in 2006.  When I first started to like you and when you told me over MY SPACE that you were coming down a month in advance.  I got a month membership here and started working out so I would look good for you.”

“Aww…you did that?” she said.

“Yes. Although, I gave up after 2 weeks in.  You were still my inspiration. ” I said.

“Is this almost done?” she said.

“One more place!” I said.

I then took her to The Scarborough Bluffs. The fact that she wasn’t ready to hike a huge cliff, pissed her off beyond belief, but then we got to the top of the cliff.

“Is this where you had sex with a random girl while thinking of me?” she said in between huffing and puffing.

“No. This is where I let out steam after I broke up with you early 2007. I screamed at the top of my lungs.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.”

“Really? You drag me to a cliff to bring up the most painful memory I have of you? Can we go home, please?” she said.

She didn’t speak to me for the entire TTC commute home and anyone who lives in Toronto, knows how long that commute is from the Bluffs.

Back in Bloor West Village, I had begged Sabrina to come back to my apartment.  When I got her there, I told her to sit on the couch.  She sat there silently fuming when I came back out with a box.

“Okay, so I don’t really consider New Year’s Eve our true anniversary.  Our real anniversary is December 22nd, 2006.  It’s when you came up and we shared our first night together.”

“You remember the date?” she said as she broke her silence.

“Of course I do. I just never wanted to let you know I knew before. ” I then opened up the box.

I told her the box contained all of her mementos she had ever given me in the past and all the letters she had written me after we broke up. It even contained her half used body butter containers and perfumes she had left at my place.   I told her that after that date, I had collected everything I could.

“I don’t know whether this is the most romantic thing you have done for me or the creepiest thing you have done for me, but I love you.” she said and she gave me a kiss.

So, specific dates of anniversaries don’t necessary matter.  As long as you both can share memories from time to time, that’s all that should matter.

I’m happy to say that Sabrina and I are back on track–aside from the slip up of her finding a pair of her panties in the box minutes after we had made up.

So Personal Facts readers, what do you consider to be an anniversary? 

Women truly are mysterious creatures and some things they do make me question them as much as I question faith and religion on a daily basis. I’m going to skip all the obvious ones like your passive aggressive behaviour when you’re mad at us, your need to be independent even when you can’t hide your disappointment if we don’t pay the entire bill at a restaurant,  or your obsession with shoes because I have realized that those are qualities that I will never understand…but yet I accept. However, the following questions I have are some I really would like some kind of explanation for.

So help an honorary brother out and give me some answers to the following questions please!

1. Why do you all take scalding hot showers?

I have never been able to enjoy taking a shower with a woman and the main reason for that is I always feel like I have to endure boiling hot water torture just to shower with them.  Seriously, why do you ladies have like having showers so hot?  Is it because the estrogen in your bodies provides you with protection from the heat as powerful as Superman’s Kryptonite S Shield?  Or do your monthly cramps raise your pain tolerance?  I need to know!

2. Why Do You Care About The Kardashians?

There are two types of women out there:  Ones that hopefully exclaim their love about the Kardashians (these are the ones I avoid like the plague) and then there are the ones that say they hate the Kardashians yet still buy the IN TOUCH magazines with them on the cover and watch the inarticulate debutantes make asses out of themselves on their many reality shows.  What the f*ck is the appeal over these women?  Is it so you can point at Kim’s ass and laugh while secretly loathing the fact her beauty excuses her obesity?  What is the fascination either good or bad…that is my REAL question.

3. Why Do You Pee On The Toilet Seat?

Men have been trained to never leave the toilet seat up. Even though it takes literally 1.5 seconds to put it down, we put it down as a courtesy to you.  So the least you can do for the fellas is not pee all over the toilet seat.  How does this happen? And better yet, how do you not notice it before exiting the bathroom? And I wish I could say pee is the worst things I have seen on the toilet seat.  Do you know how tough it is to see drops of dried up period blood and strands of pubic hair on the seat and still be able to look at you like the beautiful creatures that you are?  If we do you the courtesy of putting the toilet seat down, then please clean up the mess.

4. Why Do You Brag About Your Work Husbands Or Guy Friends To Us?

Men don’t like to hear women constantly talking about other men. PERIOD.  Unless they are homosexual or your family members, we don’t want to hear it!  It’s not necessarily an ego thing. It’s just that each man wants to feel special and important to the woman in his life. Women don’t have to cradle us like babies. Nor do they need to be patronizing. But a woman would be wise to realize that the ego of a man can be fragile.  So what I don’t understand is how do you think it’s appropriate to bring up your guy friends and your “work husband” and still get mad at us for a comment that an attractive female acquaintance made on our FaceBook walls?

5. Why Do You Treat Oral Sex Like It’s A Chore?

The only reason why I’m bringing this one up is because I like giving oral sex as much as I like receiving it.  So fellas, if you’re one of those guys that hates going down on your ladies, then stop nodding your head in agreement over my question.   If you don’t pleasure your woman, then you have no business expecting to be pleasured either.  However, I noticed at the beginning of a relationship, oral sex is given like they are rewards. Although, after a woman gets comfortable, (at least with me anyway) they look at me like I’m the rapist from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo after I unzip my pants.  (Not very encouraging.) Don’t even get me started if I suggest the ’69′ position.  You would think I looked like “The Elephant Man” just based off facial reactions to the request.

These are just a few questions that I would like answers to.  Please feel free to comment and share!

She asked me why guys couldn’t admit if a guy was good looking.  I told her the same speech Eddie Murphy had told Halle Berry in Boomerang.   I said that women are very different and can admit how pretty a woman is but men don’t do that.  Instead, if we see a male character we like onscreen, we’ll admit he’s cool…but we’re not going to comment on his rugged looks and perfect jaw structure.

Determined to prove me wrong, she made me write this post on Personals Facts about male characters I think are cool (or in her words ‘my man crushes.) She said if I can write down ten and still feel like I have my dignity intact, that she will give me something I can not divulge on this free dating blog if I want it to happen.

So here it goes…my list of movie characters men are allowed to have….*sigh* “Man Crushes” On.

10. Gay Perry (Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang)

It may be kind of strange to have a gay character as my first “man crush,” but gay or not, Gay Perry (Val Kilmer) is one of the coolest cats to have ever graced the screen. His style, his cleverly thought out retorts and his bad ass charisma is the reason why this movie is on my top ten list of my favorite films of all-time.

9. Hitch (Hitch)

Again, I’m not making myself look any better with this addition since it’s from a slightly cheesy Rom Com, however Will Smith was on fire in this film with his flirting skills. (He actually convinced me that Jada Pinkett Smith made not be his “beard” in real-life.) The scene where he gets Paula Patton’s (*first time I laid eyes on her onscreen by the way) attention at the bar by handing her a twenty was legendary and I’m ashamed to admit I’ve tried it…I mean, it failed because the girl had seen Hitch, but that’s beside the point.

8. Chili Palmer (Get Shorty)

I am a huge fan of Elmore Leonard and Chili Palmer is definitely one of the coolest characters ever to be featured in a book and John Travolta nailed his role in Get Shorty.  The man has ethics, charm a good fashion sense and he even made smoking look cool.  The only reason why he’s not higher up on my list is because the sequel took away some of my love for Chili.  (God damn Hollywood always trying to make a quick buck!)

7. Quentin (The Best Man)

Terrence Howard is probably one of my favorite actors and it was because of his role as womanizing Quentin in The Best Man that really made me pay attention to him in the first place.  When he plays that guitar upside down effortlessly, I was mesmerized. He’s a cool cat, with a distinctive voice and walk…and for me to notice a man’s walk is rare.

6. Marcus (Boomerang)

Of course I have to mention the person who inspired my debate with my girlfriend in the first place. Before I had settled down, Eddie Murphy’s character as the womanizing Marcus Graham in Boomerang truly was my cinematic mentor.  Sh*t, I learned to cook just to please women, bought Marcus Miller albums to play in the background for mood music and I have dumped women over the maintenance over their polished toes. No joke.

5. Jimmy The Saint (Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead)

During the time when Pulp Fiction got popular, there were tons of imitators, however none were as stylish and cool as Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead and that’s mainly because of Andy Garcia’s presence in the film.  Jimmy the Saint spoke like Sinatra, dressed like George Clooney and had balls the size of Carlito’s. (Carlito’s Way)  He had a way with the ladies as well and it’s because of this movie why I started learning Italian…of course that didn’t last long, but it inspired me nonetheless.

4. Eddie-The Five Heartbeats

I f*cking love this movie for many reasons. Great acting, great soundtrack and great story. However, this movie belonged to Michael Wright who played the lead singer inThe Five Heartbeats.  It doesn’t matter if he turned into a crack head who ended up getting his manager killed (I still to this day fast forward that scene by the way), his swagger was admirable and that scene where he belts that note and gets a standing ovation always brings tears to this white guy’s eyes.

3. Ethan Hawke (New York, I Love You)

Ethan Hawke is actually a man I have no qualms with admitting I have a so-called man crush on.  He has inspired me with his writing and his acting for years because he deals with relationship issues constantly and I respect him for that.  However, when he played a writer trying to seduce Maggie Q outside by admitting what he would do to her in the bedroom, I was in awe.  The dude is a pimp and if I was a woman….you know what…I’m not even going to finish that sentence.

2. Juan Antonio (Vicki Cristina Barcelona)

I always get made fun of for watching Vicki Cristina Barcelona from my crew.  Apparently to them, the only movie I should watch with Javier Bardem is No Country For Old Men.  However, I always tell them that they have to watch this if only to learn from the most skilled Casanova.  As Juan Antonio, Javier Bardem is charming, brutally honest and passionate.  He gets his way with the ladies and even convinces Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson to indulge in a threesome with him.  If I only had his game….

1. Jack Foley-Out of Sight

Every guy has a crush on George Clooney.  He’s the coolest cat on the face of this planet.  Although, it’s his role as the bank robber Jack Foley in Out of Sight that makes every guy envious of his charisma.  He is the sole reason why I carry a Zippo on me at all times.  Ain’t nobody cooler than Jack Foley. Nuff Said.

So that is my list and I’m happy to say I don’t feel castrated for putting that out there.  So, what do you think? Do you agree?  Do you want to make fun of me? Or perhaps you want to share some of your lady or man crushes with me.  Comment below.

P.S. Sabrina, you better deliver on what you promised.

So during this time in your blissful honeymoon period, it’s easy to make the mistake of considering moving in with each other and this question came up yesterday while I was forced to watch a Kourtney and Kim Take Your Souls New York marathon with Sabrina as punishment for posting yesterday’s post on Personals Facts.

In between the frequent and much welcomed commercial breaks, Sabrina brought up the idea of moving in together and how fun it would be if we made the leap by this summer so we can evolve and grow together.

The old me would have broken up with her right there, however, the new me is blinded by the fact that I have the best girlfriend in the world (besides the fact that she likes crappy reality television shows) and the idea of waking up to her every day actually makes me happy.

However, I then started thinking of my previous attempts of co-habitating with past girlfriends and the happiness quickly disappeared.

There are many advantages to moving in with someone you love, although you usually don’t realize the cons until it’s too late.  Here are some that are typically unavoidable:

The Longer You Live Together, The Less Time You Put Into Your Appearance

When you are in a new relationship, you’ve never looked better.  Even when we’re sleeping over at each other’s house, Sabrina always pulls a “Whitley from A Different World” move by quietly getting out of bed when I’m sleeping to primp and pamper herself up.  I pretend not to notice.  I also spend a lot more time at the gym to make sure I look my best. However, when you are living with someone for a long time, all that goes away.  Before we know it, we’ll be waking up to jungle breath, Side Show Bob coifs and bloated beer guts.

Going To The Bathroom Is Like Taking A Trip To The Wonderful Land Of Oz

When you move in with each other, there is going to be a time when you just can’t escape spending time with them—everywhere you go.  In my previous live-in relationships, the only time I got a break was when I took a shower and needed to go to the sh*tter.  While taking a shower, I would feel an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders for twenty whole minutes because it was the only time I had anytime to myself.  The only benefit that came out of this was my hygiene level.

Practicing The Rhythm Method Is Used More Frequently Than In Brangelina’s Bedroom

I know this is going to sound so wrong, but once you’re in a committed relationship, “pulling out” is an option that is used far more times than any co-habitating couple would like to admit.  I have had to deal with pregnancy scares and a certain ex “forgetting” to take her birth control pills and the statistics show that once you live together, the chances of having an unwanted pregnancy are tripled.

Women Start Feeling Like Human Blow Up Sex Dolls

My girlfriend is a sexual fiend, (which one of the many reasons why I admire her) but there will come a time when sex drive will go down.  Unfortunately as a man, we usually don’t have that problem and after a while of living with someone, sex for a lot of women can start to feel like a chore after a while.  When you get to the point of your relationship where your live-in girlfriend lets out a sigh of relief when you ejaculate prematurely…that’s when romance dies.

It Could Break Your Heart….As Well As Your Belongings

I have lived with two women in my life.   The first girlfriend broke my heart after walking in on her banging some guy on our bed and the second girlfriend ended up breaking all my belongings (some on my head) when I ended things.  It doesn’t matter how you feel about your partner, breaking with someone you have grown co-dependent on can and will hurt you.  When you make the decision to move in with someone you are guaranteeing yourself a horrible and emotional breakup if things don’t work out.

So while thinking of all the cons I have been through, I came to the conclusion that although I love Sabrina,  I want to keep looking at her the same way for years to come instead of looking at her as the nasty hamster who leaves used pads in the garbage basket in the bathroom…(which will happen if we move in too quickly.)

I told her although the idea of living with her sounds grand, I’m not interested in moving in with anyone until I get married…and that hopefully one day, we will have that chance. 

Thankfully adding that last sentence should bide me some time.

So what do you guys think? Would you move in with someone you are dating exclusively?  An inquiring mind wants to know!

However, when I was growing up, hooking up with a lovely soul sistah wasn’t easy.

When I was fifteen years old, I fell for a black girl named Nicole in one of my classes.  When I divulged my infatuations for her in a letter in class, the next day she patted my back and told me she couldn’t go out with me because I wasn’t black.  She then handed me a previously used cassette of Simply Red as a consolation prize and went on her way.

Yeah.

I like to say that things got easier when I got older but most times when I tried to show off my best moves on black ladies, I have always been rejected and mocked greatly for it.

That’s why today I am standing up to the plate to explain why black women should give white boys like myself a chance.  Here are my reasons and hopefully no death threats come from this.

We All Don’t Like Country Music

One of the reasons why I know a lot of black women are not attracted to white men is because they think we all listen to Garth Brooks, 30 Seconds To Mars and anything dealing with a shotgun and a drinking problem.  That is simply not true.  There are some of us that actually appreciate soul music.  I myself listen to Erykah Badu, Keith Washington, Raphael Saadiq, Bahamadia, Aya, After 7 and all sorts of ol skool, acid jazz, motown and soul songs on a daily basis.  Look at Robin Thicke for example.  His father is one of the whitest men in the world and he is one  of the only mainstream artists trying to keep soul alive without using autotune.  (Plus, he is married to the hottest woman on this planet, but that is besides the point.)

We’re White…Not extra-terrestrials

I swear to God on this…every time I asked a black woman to go out with me, they looked at me like I was E.T. asking to go home with a handful of Reese’s Pieces in my hand.  Just because we’re white doesn’t mean we should be looked at like we have tentacles or something.  We’re white…not Marvin The Martian.

We Are Trained To Provide

Now this is not a racist statement but every white guy (including myself) loses sleep over the idea of constantly providing for their women.  I can tell you right now this is due to our huge male egos and to be quite honest, it’s insane why we are trained to think our women are damsels in distress–but hey, it’s a form of sexism women can actually benefit from.  If you want a man who thinks his number one purpose is to provide for a woman, date a dopey white guy like me!

Have Some Mixed Babies!

Okay, so I know a lot of black women hate the light-skinned sistas, but let’s face it: the idea of having a beautiful mixed baby is on a lot people’s minds right now.  It doesn’t even matter if you have a baby with the ugliest white guy on the planet, chances are your kid will be gorgeous.  I have seen very few biracial babies that are hard on the eyes.

If You Ask Us To Put A Ring On It, We Will

After twenty-five, many white guys conform to society’s expectations such as getting a house, getting married and having kids. (Generally in that same boring order.)  If you are a strong black woman, most likely you will end up with a white man who is passive to keep things balanced.  Trust me, if you ask him to put a ring on it….he will…simply in fear of pissing you off.

We Like To Go “Down Town”

You know what I’m talking about, ladies.   I can say right now that some of my friends like to call me a “Battyboy” for my willingness and joy from orally pleasuring the ladies I’m dating.  If you give, you shall receive. That’s this white boy’s motto.  (P.S. how am I considered gay if I like going down on women? An inquiring white guy wants to know.)

So that’s my list.  Sure some of things on this list are superficial and may not apply to all white men but I am all about interracial dating.  Love is color blind and if you truly care about someone, then the color of their skin should not matter.  If you close yourself to dating outside of your race, you might miss out on something great.

I always thought this was an attribute of myself that I should be proud of…..until one night last week.

After watching the god awful The Devil Inside (or what I like to call the horror movie with no ending) while on a date with Sabrina, we then headed back to my place for a sleepover.

While enjoying a great dream involving actress Paula Patton, lingerie and honey, I was startled when Sabrina woke me up.  I looked at her and she looked as if she had seen a ghost.

I asked her what was wrong and then she responded with, “Did you hear that?”

I didn’t hear anything but then I jokingly told her it was probably a serial killer or something and to go back to sleep.  She hit me over the head and told me I wasn’t funny.  I then shut her up by cuddling with her.

CRASH! BANG! BOOM!

Minutes later, I heard the noise I had thought Sabrina had imagined (she is a drama queen after all) and I couldn’t ignore it.  Seeing the look of fear on her face gave me fear–because I knew at that moment that she would expect me to investigate my apartment and the thought of that scared me sh*tless.

Besides a few grubby basement apartments, I have always lived in nice areas in Toronto.  The area I currently live in (High Park Village) is a pretty safe community and I have never really dealt with potential break-ins before…especially in my apartment complex.

However, now I was forced to act like the dominant man Sabrina has always imagined I was…when really I am a smart-talking p*ssy who has always thought the pen was mightier than the sword. (Should have invested some time with some boxing classes instead of focusing on writing free dating advice columns.)

Sabrina kept tugging on my arm and saying she was scared. (a.k.a. get off your ass and investigate the strange noise already.)

So I jumped out of my bed and put on my sweats, stuffed a couple of things I would need in the pockets and grabbed a bat under my bed.  I told Sabrina to stay in bed and to keep the phone handy.  There was a look of fear and a yet strange look of arousement on her face.  I just tried to look like I wasn’t going to crap myself.

So, when I quietly opened the door, I started thinking of one of Eddie Murphy’s great stand up skits where he was talking about how to look crazy without getting into a fight.  So I thought of my ex-girlfriend’s crazy eyes and tried to imitate them.  Check.

I then went one step further and took off my sweats. Attacking someone butt ass naked would startle anybody.  I was confident with this plan until I thought of a vandal with a butcher knife around my pecker and then I quickly put them back on.

I then heard something coming from the kitchen.

I then took out a bottle of lubricant I had in my pocket and quietly squirted it right outside the entrance of the kitchen.  (Trust me, there was a reason for this.)  A brave man would have snuck into the kitchen and startled the invader by attacking him.  I am no such man.

So I then started saying, “I called the police! Get out right now!”

I was then hoping for who ever was in there to run out of the kitchen and slip on the lubricant.  (You see, it wasn’t such a bad plan after all.)

The noises stopped.

I then knew at that time that I had to man up.  I had to protect my girlfriend from potential harm.  If anything happened to her, I wouldn’t know what I would do.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

The noises started up again and by the point I was ready.  I clenched my bat, took a deep breath, turned on the lights and jumped in front of the kitchen entrance.

It where there I saw a rat going through an open bag of potato chips.

You would think this would be relieving news…however considering I have major suriphobia, I let out a scream so high, I’m surprised dogs weren’t barking.  I then ran out and subsequently slipped on the lubricant on the floor.

After I came to, I saw Sabrina looking at me and laughing.  She said she gathered up the potato chips (with the rat inside) and threw it down the garbage chute.

“My hero!” she had said while chuckling away.

Although I feel completely emasculated, I’m happy that I had my own hero at home with me.

So word to wise, if you don’t want to end up looking like a giant jackass like yours truly, never watch a scary movie before going to bed and never use lubricant as a weapon.

After talking to the lovely Leslie of The Soundtrack of Life, she had brought up the idea of writing about how it is for both sexes to fall in love and considering I am the first to admit that up until recently I have been a heartbreaking man-whore for most of my twenties, I thought it was an amazing yet challenging topic to write about.

So the following is a list of when I fall in love, how I felt, what I did and how I dealt with it and how I’m continuing to deal with it.  Just like love, my list is slightly incoherent and not as blissful as you would expect it to be—because let’s face it: Love is never perfect when it’s REAL love.  (It’s also not a Michael Bolton song either.)

1.  I knew I was in trouble (a.k.a. falling in love) with my girlfriend (wow, I’ve never written that before about her…huh), the first time we had kissed.  She was shy and serene, so I had figured I was the one who was going to have to make the first move–in fact; I was looking forward to it.  However, when I invited her over for a drink, she confidently walked to me as I was making the drink and took me by surprise by kissing me.  I still think of that kiss to this very day because it reminds me as to why I fell for her in the first place.

2.  When I met Sabrina years ago, she was my friend before my lover–something I wasn’t used to at the time.  It’s because of our connection when we were friends that made me comfortable being myself around her.  She has never tried to change me and because of that I have evolved into a better man.

3.  I craved talking to her (even over the phone) as much I craved a cigarette with my coffee.  Craving her was constant, instantly addictive and it kept me alert.

4. She felt like an accident because she wasn’t my type.  And just like an accident, it was an unexpected and life-changing event in my life.

5. I daydreamed about kissing her more than sleeping with her whenever we were apart. 

6.  I knew I was in love the day I broke her heart the first time round.  You always hurt the ones you love.

7.  Over the years, Sabrina and I have had plenty of falling-outs.  I adored her and for months I downright resented her, however I never was ever “neutral” with her….which says a lot in my opinion.

8.  She was and still is my greatest writing muse—no matter if we were on speaking terms or not.

9. When I was in denial of how I felt about her, I would find excuses to go shop for birthday and Christmas gifts for my friends and family to the store she would buy her favorite perfume from.  When no one was looking, I would sniff the bottle of perfume like it was a line of cocaine.  Love makes you do some crazy things.

10. Her idiosyncrasies (such as scrunching her face in the mirror every time she’s doing her makeup, her insane klutziness or how she scratches her head like a monkey when she has writer’s block) are quirks I can’t possibly live without.

11.  I made it a personal mission to count all of her beauty marks on her face and her body.  She has sixteen altogether.  Five on her face, two on her neck, one on each shoulder, two below her breasts, one on her stomach, one on her foot and three on her arm that look like a constellation.

12.  I feel the same passion about her as I feel about the debate over the differences between R&B and Soul music.  It’s like saying you love somebody and being in love with somebody.  R&B is just a word. 

Every man falls in love in a different way—but what I can definitely say is that when men fall—they fall hard.  When I first fell in love, I made plenty of mistakes; I tried denying the fact that I was at the finish line when it came to future relationships.  However, it took me five years to realize that when you are truly in love with someone and are willing to go the distance with them, then you embark on another race—a far more fulfilling race than you could ever dream of.

Now in fear of coming off like a lovesick puppy everyday on the site, I’m going to take a break from all this nauseating talk of my girlfriend for a while and write about free dating issues YOU are experiencing.  Drop me a line or comment below for issues you want addressed on Personal Facts!

So why did I bring up this obscure and embarrassing piece of pop culture in my mental rolodex you may be wondering? It’s because Vanessa’s depiction of a “comfort zone”  is a laughable work of fiction.  In most relationships I’ve had in the past, the comfort zone usually equated to “the dead zone.”  Comfort weight, no-frills and dry as sandpaper sex and soaking of period panties in the sink is all what I was rewarded by being in “the comfort zone.”

Not exactly the picture Miss Williams painted, eh?

Seriously, what kind of comfort zone is this? WTF?

As you may already know, I have made my on and off relationship with Sabrina official and we have vowed to never let ourselves become that kind of couple.  We are all about having an unconventional relationship since every conventional relationship we both have had in the past caused a lot of heartache to ourselves and to the people we were with.

We make our own rules.  We don’t flaunt photos of ourselves on Facebook.  We won’t celebrate month anniversaries.  We don’t make each other watch shows we don’t like.  We keep our laundry in SEPARATE baskets and we have a stack of Kama Sutra books to keep us busy for months.

We were so confident that we were going to avoid getting sucked into the comfort zone—and then IT happened.

While watching Final Destination 5 last night cuddled up on the couch, Sabrina let out the loudest fart I have ever heard in the history of farts.  It was so loud I could literally hear her butt cheeks flapping together and the smell was as rank as a dirty box of cat litter.

Yup. Cat Litter.

One of the best things of dating someone new is the major ‘firsts’ in a relationship.  The first time you kiss.  The first time you have sex.  The first time you say those three little words to each other.

And I finally got to say those three little words that brought me so much joy…. “YOU SO FARTED!!!”

She was mortified at the time, but the second she realized that I wasn’t mortified at all, we were both laughing our asses off.

We understood after that moment that the comfort zone can not be avoided in relationships and as long as you truly feel like the person you are with loves you the way you need to be loved, then maybe the “comfort zone” is not all that bad.

P.S. I totally got her back this morning–dutch oven style.

Until next time, Personals Facts readers!

It has been a little while since I last reported any free dating news, but just like you, I was enjoying my holidays and over the last ten days, a lot has happened.

I was planning on having a quiet holiday and to recuperate from the drama of this year.  I also wasn’t planning on doing anything all that exciting for New Year’s Eve.  You see, once you’re in your late twenties you start to realize New Year’s Eve is a young adult holiday.  You no longer have the urge to spend hundreds of dollars of bottle service at jam-packed nightclubs and you can no longer ignore the fact that many stabbings and deaths happen in the clubbing district either.  The difference between an optimist and a pessimist during NYE is that an optimist stays up until Midnight on NYE to see the new year in, a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. I was definitely apart of the latter group.

However, my plans to say Bah Humbug to 2011 were a little altered since Sabrina officially moved to Toronto.  Since she had arrived, we have been playing games with one another–trying to deny the scary reality of the love we have for each other.  As a reader, this is probably frustrating to read about, however dancing with the idea of friendship with Sabrina actually was fun–for a while.

Over the holidays we went out for drinks in Liberty Village, watched It’s a Wonderful Life at the Revue Cinema and while shopping for gifts at Chapters downtown, we giggled like nerdy virgins over the images in the Kama Sutra books in the sexuality section.  Without that looming feeling of sexual tension in the air–I actually realized why I cared for Sabrina so much.  She wasn’t just the best sex of my life, she was clearly the best friend I will ever have–and then it occurred me that maybe this “friends with NO benefits” thing could actually be beneficial to both of us.

This feeling lasted for five days.

On Boxing Day, Sabrina and I decided to exchange Christmas gifts.  She had jokingly given me a homemade Booty Call care package that was full disposable underwear, taxi number magnets, feminine cloths and flavored lubricants for any upcoming sexual trysts I have.  I had given her a red journal with an iconic image from The Shining (her favorite horror film) that I had bought while she was distracted and captivated by “the camel’s hump” position in a Kama Sutra book at the Chapters days before.  She told me that she had another gift for me–but it was sent in the mail a few days ago.

We then spent the day drinking, watching horrible movies and talking.

Then things got…weird.

While watching Melancholia, we had both fallen asleep.  I woke up with her resting her head on my shoulder.  I took in her Neroli Jasmine scent and all I wanted to do was ravish her–even though she was drooling all over my neck.  I contemplated kissing her forehead and lightly wake her up from her not so beauty sleep.  I toyed with the idea of circling my index finger over the dip in her torso (a move that sparked our first kiss five long years ago.)

Before I could bring my dirty thoughts to life–her cell phone vibrated on my coffee table.  I generally don’t look at anyone’s text messages, but since she had an iPhone it instantly popped up.

Hey Sabrina, it was great meeting you.  Can’t wait to take you out for another drink, sexy. -Rich

It was then I realized that maybe Sabrina was actually telling the truth about wanting to stay “just friends.”  Maybe I was playing games with myself.  A mature person would have accepted this–however, I wasn’t at all capable of acting like a mature person.  I woke her up and told her that I had to wake up early the next morning so that it was best that she go home.  I called her a cab and sent her on her way.  She was too groggy to see how pissed I was, but three days later, she would see my fury.

The night before New Year’s Eve, we had decided to go to Joe Mama’s. She looked stunning and every time she went to get a drink some jerk off was trying to run moves on her.  I was cool, collected and eventually conniving.

She had asked me over the loud music if I had received her gift in the mail.  I told her I hadn’t but I was planning on using the gift she had given me for New Year’s Eve.  She looked slightly disappointed but I didn’t care.

I then went to the bar and saw this hottie staring right at me.  She offered to buy me a drink.  I found out her name was Casey and then I asked her to join Sabrina and I at our table.

I introduced Sabrina to Casey as my BUDDY–a word that struck a nerve with her.  We then started flirting openly right in front of Sabrina.  I knew at the moment that Sabrina was uncomfortable but I didn’t care.  I wanted her to see how easy it was for me to move on.  Instead of being a gentleman, I then started making out with Casey right at the table.  Sabrina then got up.

“Leaving so soon?” I said smugly.

I could see she was fighting back tears.  “Yes, have fun with your new writing muse.” she said before making a beeline for the door.

I should have ran after her however my superiority complex was telling me to act like a total asshole.

“Have fun with RICH!!” I shouted.

She then gave me the finger and left.  Before I could let the guilt could sink in, Casey turned my attention to her and asked me to take her home–and I did.

The next morning I woke up with A) a hangover from hell and B) a guilty conscience and C) a note from Casey telling me she had a great time and that I should be her New Year’s Eve date for the night.

I tried calling Sabrina multiple times. She never answered her phone.  Instead of leaving her messages, I hung up every time.  I then convinced myself that what I did was perfectly fine.  Friends don’t get mad about their friends hooking up with other people…plus she was going to be spending her NYE with “RICH” so why did she care? She can’t eat her cake and have it too.  (*Note: Never understood that phrase by the way.)

So even though I had promised myself to stay in for NYE, I called Casey up and told her that I would love to be her date.  I then called up my brother (my air bag) and asked if he would like to come along. Right after that, I had received the package from Sabrina in the mail.  Instead of opening it, I threw it on the sofa.  I had no intention of ringing in the New Year with thoughts of her.  I had successfully erased last night’s fight from my mind.

Later that night, I had met Casey at the Rivoli and my brother and some of his friends showed up.  We were all having fun laughing, drinking and partying it up.  However, around one hour before midnight I heard “Make you feel that way” By Blacklicious  and I instantly thought of the first night Sabrina and I had made love years ago because the same song played in the background at the time.

I excused myself to the washroom, punched a wall (scared off a few guys at the urinal) and splashed cold water on my face.  I told myself to keep it together–but all I wanted to do was see her face.  I instead settled on checking her FaceBook status on my Blackberry.

Expecting to see a status attacking me, I instead read a quote from Oprah Winfrey:

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

I tried to shake off the gut wrenching feeling I was having and I left the washroom and went back on the dance floor.  I gave Casey a huge kiss and my drunken brother took a picture of the both of us.  He then looked at the picture and starting laughing uncontrollably.  I asked him what he was laughing about and he zoomed in on the picture.  Let’s see if you guys can point out what was so “funny” about the pic.

She’s wearing a f*cking wedding ring.

I should have been furious but at the moment all I could feel was bliss.  She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I had to go home and open a package I got from the mail. I left her dumbfounded.

I apologized to my brother and told him that I had to make things right with Sabrina.  He smiled and told me to go…he also shouted out “Fag!” as I ran out of the bar like a girl in a cheesy rom-com but that was beside the point.

I got home ten minutes before midnight and ripped open the package.  It was a Battleship board game and it had a note attached to it saying:

I’m tired of playing games, how about you? -Sabrina

I was then out of my door like a bat out of hell.  I like to say that I made it to Sabrina’s before midnight—but life is not like the movies.  The streets were jam-packed with traffic, cops and taken taxis.

At 1:30am, hoping I wasn’t too late, I knocked on Sabrina’s door.  She opened the door.  She was already in her PJs and she looked very surprised.

I told her that I was sorry and that I didn’t want to start my new year with the same old habits. I wanted to make things right and that I wanted to be with her.

She then slapped me.  An act I pretty much grew accustomed to in 2011.

“What the f*ck was that for?” I asked.

“That was for the old you.” she said.

“I guess I deserved that.” I admitted.

She then kissed me and held me tight.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“That was for a new year and a clean slate.”

She then invited me in—and in fear of her reading this, I will refrain from putting any explicit details down. (However, we did get good use of the present she bought me this Christmas…also I did puke three times that night but that is beside the point.)

So yes, Sabrina and I are officially an item now.  It’s a little strange and although I am scared to death that I will mess it up some way, my New Year’s Resolution this year is to make her happy and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

So, how was your New Year’s Eve?